Wednesday, September 28, 2016

fall and a/c and childhood fantasies gone awry

Isn't fall the most pleasant season of the year?

Well, even if you disagree, I still think so. FYI: My kids often tell me that I really am always right.

Because pumpkins! apples! leaves! oh my.

See what I did right there?  Also, pumpkin spicy flavored things... yeah... so good. But I refuse to get on the pumpkin spice bandwagon because too many people are already on that thing. It's very crowded on that bandwagon. I'll be on my own little bandwagon over here, just like, sniffing your latte from afar.

Also, doesn't it just seem like the start of something new? It just smells good out there, in the fresh air.  Finally I can open a few windows and turn off the stupid, stupid limping-along-for-one-final-season crappy A/C. (can you tell I have some strong feelings about my stupid a/c?)

Speaking of A/C, I may or may not have recently said, "I could definitely live off the grid, as long as there was some way to have A/C and music." Because really, who likes to be sweaty? And also, I need to have my music. 

So I definitely think I could figure out a "live off the grid" scenario involving A/C as needed and daily music. Generator?  Maybe solar panels?  Haha, imagine using SOLAR panels for cold air... like, you are using heat to generate cold..  Weird.  I'm weird. Fine. We already know that. But really, am I the only person who has ever considered that?

On another note, I so want to call someone an EFFING ASSHOLE, but I am restraining myself and hoping to get over it.

Also, isn't it so stupid when you go into the self checkout lane at the grocery store, and no matter what happens or how many items you try to scan, something always goes wrong where the lady has to come over and punch in a code, or insert a key and fix it for you?  Like, I freaking swear to God I am not trying to sneak a gallon of milk in the baggage area without scanning it. Stop telling me that something is in the baggage area that doesn't belong, asshole computerized checkout lady voice! Just, let me live out my childhood fantasy of being a checkout girl and fucking get through this!  God!

Anyway, how's your Wednesday going?

Thursday, September 15, 2016

have you ever hated someone?

WTF, all of a sudden this blog seems to be all intense and like, opposite of what it originally was. Originally, I think the goal was to just write lightheartedly about my boring, average, every day life.

Nobody wants to get all deep and personal, right?

So anyway, have you ever hated somebody?

I have.

In high school I hated this girl who, without fail, tried to get with every guy that I liked. And don't ask me why but whoever it was that I liked at the time would get with her (minus one dude who thank God never went there because I would have been devastated). I say don't ask me why because she had such an RBF (resting bitch face). Like, she was definitely pretty, I'll give her that. Super short (possibly even abnormally short, but maybe I am just being bitter) but pretty.  And also she had a square resting bitch face, but I suppose that's beside the point. Besides the RBF, she also actually was a nasty, unpleasant, bitchy little short girl.

Why do guys like people like that?  The challenge? Maybe the same reason why girls will gravitate towards the dick-ish guys.. probably that. I'd like to think they learn some kind of lesson, getting with a bitchy/dick-sh person. Hopefully the lesson is something like, Don't get with people like that because they're mean and they're jerks.

But you know, in high school I was a pretty low-key, fly under the radar kind of person. Like, I would never have done anything to draw attention to myself. Drawing attention to myself was like, my worst nightmare. So whenever we clashed, me and the girl, it was always like, just to the point where I would throw mental 'I hate you with every ounce of my being' daggers at her. Because, God forbid, I would never have confronted her. Because I was definitely way too chicken to go there.

I know she felt the mental daggers. 

That jerk.

I still feel a little hateful. Isn't that terrible of me? It has pretty much been THIRTY YEARS now. Whoa. That's a damn long time to hang on to something so dumb. It's definitely time to get over it. Fine, I'm so over it, it's not even funny.  When I actually just searched my brain for any semblance of real hate towards her, I only felt a twinge.

In other news, I'm going to try not to hate anyone else. But the truth is, some people deserve it, don't they?

Thursday, September 8, 2016

blah blah blah...

I used to write in a journal. Like pencil (or pen) on paper writing.

I kind of packed them up one day and never did it again. I'm not sure what made me quit. Maybe the fact that I felt like I wasn't being totally honest, that the "feelings" I was writing about were minimized or just not even addressed.

So what's the point even, if you're not being honest, or even if you are omitting certain significant things because maybe you just don't want to see it written out loud. As if not seeing it makes it not true.

I think that's kind of why I mostly quit blogging when I did. When I got the vibe that people I knew might actually be reading what I wrote, I pretty much panicked. It felt a little bit like someone I knew found my diary and read every last word.

It's funny, writing a public blog when you feel like in general, you're a pretty private person.  Like, the me that I typically put out there in the world is definitely a censored, less mentally unstable version of myself. Because let's face it, I'm slightly mental. Or, what's the opposite of slightly? Considerably?  Completely? Maybe somewhere in that realm of crazy.

I'm pretty much ok with that. I mean, I've lived with myself for my whole life, so, you know, I get me. But I don't think anyone else really gets me, and that's my own fault. Like, when you censor yourself to appear "normal" or to fit in, you're really presenting a different version of you. And if someone likes the you that you are most often presenting, they don't even know who they like.

Well that just got confusing right there.

I have no idea what the point of this post is. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that there really is no point, I'm just rambling away for no apparent reason.

I'll leave it at that.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Lesson learned the hard way; on friend break-ups

I really think that friend break-ups can be just as traumatic as couple break-ups can be.

One time I had a kind of friend break-up like that, and it literally broke my heart. Shattered. Tiny little pieces. Like, stupid crying every single day out of nowhere. And I do understand what 'literally' means. I honestly felt like my heart was broken. For real. It hurt. You know that thickness in your chest, where it feels like you kind of can't breathe? All of the time. And it was so much worse than any "real boyfriend" breakup that I ever had. It was devastating.

When you pretty much spend time every day with someone for years, getting to know them, helping them get through things, connecting deep and getting soso close and just like, deeply caring about them, when it gets kind of callously and unexpectedly ripped from you, it's pretty much one of the hardest things you could imagine experiencing. Especially if you're anything like me, and struggle to let people get close to you in the first place. Especially if you know they are replacing you with someone newer and shinier, that they suddenly think they like better. After everything, they are replacing you. Cruel.

When I was in the thick of it, I really didn't think I would ever be okay again. It didn't help that my friend kept kind of meanly reeling me back in at whim, then throwing me away. Over and over, and over again. Confusing me with mixed messages. Jerking me around like a rag doll. Using me when it was convenient, or when they were bored.

And idiot that I was, I let it happen because I was scared to let it go, so scared. And honestly, not only was I scared for some unknown reason, I didn't want the friendship to end. I really didn't. It meant so much to me.

I really don't think I will ever recover fully from that. I don't think it's possible.

I hope one day I can find the guts not to care anymore. I vacillate between feeling hateful, and feeling something a little less than hateful. Maybe it'll never get much better than that. And I suppose that's ok, because I think I'm ok. I think.

After a long, long while, I was surprised when I felt a real smile happen again. I was surprised when I felt the sun warm the back of my legs and it felt good, not wrong. It shocked me when one day I realized that I forgot to think about everything, forgot to think about betrayal and my friend who threw me away.

Even though, after some time, it doesn't sting quite so badly anymore, and thinking about everything doesn't make it so hard to breathe anymore, I still feel like it affects me and the way I manage friendships and my life.

Getting tossed to the side and treated like I was disposable, being made to feel so, so small and stupid for caring, really changed me. I don't ever talk about it with anyone, I can't, and I'm not even sure why I am writing about it, to be honest with you. It's my own private kind of thing, and I have dealt with it in my own way. 

Maybe I'm writing to put it out there so that others recognize that people can be fragile, and they can break. If you want to be a good person, a happy person, a successful person, don't treat those that care about you like they don't matter. Don't use people who are good to you. Don't jerk them around and make them feel like they have no value, that their sole purpose is to be there for you to stomp on whenever you're in the mood for stomping. Treat people how you wish people would treat you, with love, and gentle care and gratitude. And if you're not feeling it, don't be cruel. You can, and you should, treat others with kindness and respect, and it will come back to you.

If you think you can make it through this life unscathed, you're probably mistaken. I imagine when the person who smugly thought I didn't matter enough gets a taste of what they have given (and they will... karma and all) they might know.

Or maybe they won't. Sometimes people like that will never get it, and they'll go through their life cowardly and aloof and thoughtless and always searching for something better, newer and shinier. 

I have a funny feeling they won't ever find what they are looking for. And you know what? Maybe they don't even deserve it.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Arianna Huffington and a mini meltdown

I really better get some interesting content on here or I might lose all one reader that I have. (Hi mom!)

I have been so sporadic with posting. Let's be frank.  I know this.  You know this.  We all know this.

(Before I continue I have to say that I love saying, 'Lets be Frank.' It's such a funny sounding thing to me for no good reason. I just thought you should know that.) I guess I don't think it's too unusual to go through a kind of writing slump.  Sometimes you might feel like you just don't have anything interesting to talk about.  Sometimes you might just feel like nobody is interested anyway.  Sometimes, you need to re-evaluate your purpose.

That sounds very life-altering. 

Speaking of writing, such a super cool thing happened, that didn't actually end up happening.  OK, that sounds weird, let me explain.

So I submitted something to Huffington Post on a whim, and ARIANNA HUFFINGTON emailed me and said that she wanted to print it!!  Can you believe that??  Maybe I am being a little googly-eyed, but I thought it was so awesome.

But then I pretty much freaked out. I asked her if I could post anonymously, because what I wrote is kind of sensitive and I guess I'm not really prepared to attach my name to it at this point. But I know it was relevant, and should probably be heard.

She responded and said that Huffington Post doesn't post anonymously. So that stinks because I really couldn't go ahead and post it because I am mental, among other things.

But anyway, now you know that you can't post anonymously on Huffington Post, in case you were wondering.

But guys! She liked what I wrote!

So at least that was good, and kind of validating.  So maybe I will submit some other non-panic-inducing writing at some point, because HuffPo! I did get invited to their contributor platform, so I'm a little bit proud of that too.

So even though this is a lowly little blog, and pretty much nobody even notices that it exists, I might be able to write sort of OK, and maybe I don't suck. Maybe. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Hey! I have some good news about cheese!

Hey, good news guys! Apparently cheese is good for people with high blood pressure! And guess what? I love cheese! And I have high blood pressure!  WooHOO!

Did you know that, about the cheese thing? If not, consider this a PSA.

My mom gave me a news clipping all about it.  She does that sometimes, isn't that kind of a cute mom-thing to do?  

My blood pressure has been pretty off the wall lately. I've taken a medicine for it for years, but lately it's been really kind of dangerously high. So clearly the regular medicine isn't doing its job anymore. I started monitoring at home because I was having these headaches, and wouldn't you know, it is definitely super high.

So that sucks. Because that meant that I had to make a doctors appointment.  I hate making a doctor's appointment. It's one of my worst things. Partly because of the weighing you on the cattle scale in front of every last person in the office anxiety thing, but also because lately I don't even know who my doctor is. I kind of hot-headedly switched doctors after a super annoying incident at my regular doctor's. So it's like, I'm a new girl at the doctors and I know no one. Apparently, this new office has a group of docs and you kind of get who you get. I actually really do like the group, but I don't really enjoy that I never get to know someone and I am constantly repeating myself to various doctor people. (And also, the cattle scale thing)

So I had to get a new medicine to help control the blood pressure so I wouldn't have a stroke and just like, fucking die in my sleep. That wouldn't be so great for Alex, to wake up next to a cold, dead wife.

Well, maybe it would be great financially, because I have good life insurance. Then he could finally pay off his school loans and maybe he'd be rich and be able to do all sorts of rich people things. Like drink that fancy champagne that rich people drink and wear a leisure suit.

But I do think Alex would miss me. He likes me. Good thing, because we are kind of married. I think its about 60/40 if he would take me over the life insurance. Could be worse.

But back to the dumb medicine. The doctor put me on this new medicine and she told me about a few improbable side affects, like a dry cough. "But don't worry, only about 10% of the population is affected by that," She said.

So guess who is part of the lucky 10%?


So I effing suffered with an annoying misc dry cough, along with the dry mouth that my regular BP medicine already gives me. Seriously guys, super annoying.  I suppose it could be worse, but the doctor switched me to something different. It's seems to be working, so that's kind of good.

So now that you know all about my blood pressure, I'll close with this thought: getting old kind of isn't the most fun.  When does it get fun? When is the part when you can be a cranky a-hole whenever you want because you already put your time in?

When is the part where you can stand on your porch yelling, "GET OFF MY LAWN!" while shaking your cane at all of the bratty young'uns?  

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Speaking of sarcasm...

Did you know that there is an actual little punctuation mark that represents sarcasm??  You guys!  I think this will make my entire life easier!  It will really help misc people that I text see that I'm just being sarcastic, not an asshole! Yes!

I actually was trying to invent a sarcasm font, but so far so bad on that one.  Truthfully, I mostly was inventing it in my head and I didn't exactly get much further than that, but ANYway.

The punctuation mark!  Sarcasm! Here it is:

"The SarcMark (short for "sarcasm mark") was invented, copyrighted and trademarked by Paul Sak, and while it hasn't seen widespread use, Sak markets it as "The official, easy-to-use punctuation mark to emphasize a sarcastic phrase, sentence or message." Because half the fun of sarcasm is pointing it out [SarcMark]."

So apparently, you'd use it at the end of a sarcastic sentence in place of a period or something? I can't seem to find it on my keyboard.  Maybe I'm missing something. I think it's a real thing.. I mean, I read it on the internet (insert SarcMark here)

Do you think it's real?  And if so, why isn't that cutie little character anywhere to be found?

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Spitty close talkers, allergy attacks & that time I was basically Meredith Grey

I've perfected the tap out method, and I use it often enough. I had to tap my husband out of a conversation this weekend. I can be nice like that sometimes.  He has a terrible habit of allowing himself to be sucked into a stupid conversation with some boob for an hour. But I just can't do it.

Life is too short to be cornered by spitty close talkers.

That's my personal motto.

Because really, isn't it?

This weekend we went to this local event that was pretty cool. It was this thing where a bunch of food and wine vendors and restaurants come and set up tables with samples of their stuff. It was a benefit that benefited the town I live in, so I was (somewhat) into it.  Plus I love food so there was that. Plus I said I'd go when I was feeling not mental, so even if I changed my mind I still pretty much had to go because I said I'd be the driver.

The event was held in this barn in the country. I love that barn. Kara had her wedding there and it was pretty much the best wedding I ever went to, if I do say so myself. 

The place was cool and there were a bunch of people there, as one would expect.  I have a little issue with introversion though, so things like this always send me into a little inner hysteria. It's inner, so nobody would really know. I know how to keep my shit to myself and slap a smile on my face and be nice.  I've been doing it for pretty much my whole life, so.

My sister and her husband went with us, and Kara and her husband too, so I had some of my people there for a buffer. We saw some people there that I genuinely like, so that was good. The food was pretty great. I filled my plate and I wasn't even halfway through the place. I was positive that I would go back for another plate but then I got full. Damn it.  I hate when I get full when I'm not ready to be done eating.

So Alex was in this conversation with this jerk that I can't stand. I so wasn't planning on going anywhere near that trainwreck because I really can't stand the guy, but a stupid amount of time passed, and eventually I was like, WTF.

So Alex and I had eye contact, and then we had a conversation without speaking.  It went something like this,

Me: WTF.

Him: I know! Sorry! I got cornered and I can't tap out! MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

Me: Fine, I'll rescue you. 

So I went up and expertly tapped him out like the kind wife that I am.  Then Alex had a legit allergy attack so we had to get the hell out of dodge, quickly.

Thankfully I had the opportunity to eat all of the great stuff on my plate AND some cupcakes, because if the allergy attack happened sooner it would have been much harder to leave. I mean, I'd have been standing there looking longingly at my plate, then looking at him with his red swelling face, back and forth a few times. I'm sure I would have chosen him over the food, but it might have been begrudgingly.

Anyway, I was basically Meredith Grey with my doctoring skills, and I was a god damned hero. Of course everything turned out fine because I probably should have been a surgeon but instead I decided to fulfill my destiny on an office couch. The rest of the weekend went off without a hitch, and here we are. One step closer to summer vacation. WooHOO. 

I'll let you decide if the woohoo is in the sarcasm font or not.

Monday, May 16, 2016

All over the place, and also: Do peanut butter cups have expiration dates?

Don't you just hate when you buy a stale peanut butter cup?

Like, it takes a lot for me to actually buy a peanut butter cup in the first place, because obviously if I've made the leap to buy it, I'm going to eat it. And lets face it, if I bought everything I wanted to eat, I'd be in big(ger) trouble (than I already am). My point is, if I get to the point where I really, really feel the need to eat a peanut butter cup, I want it to be worth it. A shitty, dry peanut butter cup is so not worth the calories. Right?

Do you think they have expiration dates?

Because if not, they should!! I just ate a cup that sucked, and it was so disappointing. I actually considered not finishing the piece that I had in my mouth. Like, who would do such a thing? I tossed the second cup, because what's the point? What a shocking turn of events. I just wanted a piece of chocolatey, peanut buttery candy! Jeez.

On a similar note, who in the world would ever mix candies that should never be mixed, like, Skittles and m&m's, in the same candy bowl?  There really should be a rule about such trickery.  It's almost sacrilegious. Imagine happily reaching into a bowl of what you think is chocolate, tossing a handful of those candies in your mouth, then having your poor taste buds assaulted by tastes that just don't go together. I strongly believe in the separation of candy.

Does that make me a bad person? A candy racist, if you will.

On a more serious note, last night I clenched my teeth so hard in my sleep my jaw is killing me. So a handful of candy is kind of out of the question for me right now. 

I've been in such a cranky mood, I think it's making its way into my dreams. I better get my shit together or I'm going to have to go to see the dentist, and we all know that the dentist is one of my least favorite guys to visit.

I actually really like my dentist. I always sort of had a crush on him. Plus, when the other jerky dentist in the office fired me for missing so many dentist appointments, my good cute dentist let me come back because he is so nice and cute.

I know missing appointments is so not cool, but I have a phobia! My original dentist fired me twice. And I don't really care because he duped me once and scarred me for life.

I'll discuss that story at a later date, because I have to go get a warm pack for my jaw. Wah. And also, this morning has gotten away from me and I have done nothing productive.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Facebook unfriending and a generic letter of intent

Don't you think if someone is going to unfriend you on Facebook, they should put out a generic letter of intent or something?

I mean, lets be real. When you unfriend someone for no apparent reason, you're sending a pretty harsh message to that person. Deleting people from social media is the modern way to tell people that you don't want them in your life. In my opinion, the cost of maintaining a Facebook friendship is pretty low and if you make a conscious decision to push a button to get rid of someone, it can be pretty puzzling to a person who always assumed you were on a friendly basis. I have to wonder, why wouldn't you just "unfriend" me to my face? Too awkward?

The other day, my sister came stomping in the house and was all like, "Do you know (this person we know) Jen unfriended us on Facebook?"

I was like, "Huh?"

And she was like, "Yup!  She unfriended me and you and Ty and Alex! Can you believe that??  That is SO RUDE."

And I was like, "Well maybe she deactivated her account or something."  Because really, this person is a local Mom who grew up with my husband, someone whose daughter is friends with mine and my sister Ali's kids. I literally speak to her every time I have to call the place that she works.  I'm friendly. I mean, clearly we aren't BFF's or anything.  But in my defense, I'm not BFF's with anyone.  We all know that I'm socially uncool. But its like, did we do something?  Did we mass-offend her with something we did or said?  How could she hate us all in one fell swoop?

I'm pretty low key.  I'm not a Facebook over-sharer.  In fact, I'm not a big Facebook person in general. I pretty rarely post, maybe hop on every day or two to see what's happening, comment here and there and maybe wish people a happy birthday. I don't have political rants or aggressively comment on people's posts. I'm a pretty private person, so constantly posting updates and pictures about my life is something that I don't do. I definitely don't take Facebook too seriously. Obviously, different people have different reasons for using Facebook- and obviously her Facebook is HER Facebook to be friends with whomever she chooses to be friends with, but seriously, deleting someone from your social media is definitely sending a strong message. And the message "I don't want to be your friend," comes through pretty loud and clear.

Then Ali was like, "No, I saw she changed her name on Facebook, like she was being all incognito or something."

So huh.  That's pretty lame.

What sucks is, I really do see this person enough for it to be freaking awkward.  I can't help it, I'm offended! Maybe before unfriending someone, you should post a generic letter of intent, so you don't take anyone by surprise and unnecessarily hurt feelings. You have to know that you're guaranteed to run into them on the sidelines of your kid's field hockey game or something and have one of those awkward "I unfriended you because you're annoying and I know that you know you've been unfriended, but we just won't mention it and we'll continue to pretend that we're friendly" types of uncomfortable run-ins.  And let's face it, nobody like those kind of run-ins.

Way back in the beginning of Facebook, it was like you friended everyone from the person who takes your order at the pizza place, to that one guy you hung out with at a college rager once, 25 years ago. I get that these days people might be all like, "I just want to be friends with people that I actually know and like."  That definitely makes sense.  And chances are, the random that you accepted as a friend two years ago probably wont even notice if you unfriend them.  

But as far as local people that you don't necessarily dislike and are bound to run into often enough to make it uncomfortable?  Like, why not just put them in a category of like, "people that I'm not tight with." In doing that, you can keep most things private from them, you can set it so they don't see your posts, or whatever. If you do that, they're none the wiser, and they're not all offended and confused.

ANYway, it really isn't worth getting bent out of shape about. It's Facebook. But next time I see her, I suppose I'll keep my distance.

Have you ever been randomly unfriended by someone you thought you were cool with?